Friday, August 24, 2007

July page

These pictures were taken at late sunrise this morning. A little crooked but the best so far. To start with, I am not a writer, I am not good with punctuation and all the finer parts of writing. I have never really expressed my feelings on paper, I don't journal, so this was and is a new experience for me. I wrote 10 pages of draft, I will condense it, but it felt good. I also am looking forward to taking better pictures with a light box I just bought.......here it goes

My Inner Self

This last March I lost all communication with my son. He met the woman to be his wife 4 years ago and fell in love. As I got to know this woman my gut wrenched. I didn't understand the attraction at all. She is a very bold woman with little regard to other peoples feelings. After meeting her parents, the apple does not fall far from the tree in this case. She put me to tears many times with her blunt sarcasm and belittling remarks.

What makes me the saddest at this point is the horrible position my son was put in, to make a choice. What makes the most sense out of this situation is that no has to pretend anymore.
Mike and I don't have to feel disrespect from her, we don't have to feel Cary's (my son) struggle and the dark cloud is gone.

I am disappointed that my son lost the courage to be honest with me. When I asked him what was wrong his reply....it is the little things. Oh, my....what I taught him all his life was gone, some where else from that moment on. I always let him be aware that treating people like you want to be treated was a good way to live your life. He told me one time that it didn't always work that way, I told him to do it anyway. That is what I did with his wife, to be the bigger person, to cry alone, to hold back anger and hurtful words.

I went to the store one day to buy buttons, I ended up with the fabric for July. For some reason I wanted a piece of brocade, not for a shirt on this body, but just to have. When I got to playing with it and beads, it started letting me know that it needed to be special. I made the face and put it in place, but it was out of balance. I felt the face reflected wisdom. Then I found the stone of rhodochrosite on my shelf. I am not a pink person in clothing and there it was, the perfect match. When I researched the stone, I hit the wall so to speak. My heart needed to be soothed and I needed to start healing. I am good at covering up for the most part, there are very few people who know my tears and how bad my heart is hurting. And here I am sharing with the world so to speak.

As I began putting the beads on I started to reflect on what exactly I was trying to heal. I had to take note of the responsibilities of all parties involved. What the behavior of jealousy, control and greed can make a person do. With each hour of working I had to decide if I made the right choice, would I have done anything different......the answer is no.

I also pondered my support and my inspiration for my life and the choices I make. Two very special woman came to mind. I was privileged to meet them when I first moved here.

The first I want to share with you is Jewel Butler. I knew her for 4 years before she passed away. She was 70 when I first met her. I would go to her house, have lunch, do perms in the kitchen sink and then chat. She would ask me questions about life, at that time I had no clue how to answer, now I am understanding all that she shared. She believed she lived life in 3 segments, about 25 years a piece. Each being different then the other. She most enjoyed the last segment, she became the free spirit she always dreamed of. Good business woman, nice friends and a lovely house she owned by herself.

The second woman I want to share is Mary Ann Bassinger, whom I had a 20 friendship with. I met her when she just turned 60. She was my neighbor and the first person I met when I moved to this valley. When she divorced a very prominent doctor and left town with another man to Alaska, she had made taboo with some of her children. I had just come from Alaska. I spent all those years watching 3 of her 5 children treat her with the utmost disrespect because she made that choice. What I admired the most was her ability to shun the blame and guilt they tried to burden her with. I am lucky to have been the one to find her at peace, finally. Otherwise she could have been laying in disgrace for days.

My story and theirs is repetitive in generations. What they shared with me was to learn to set your own boundaries without feeling or displaying the need for control. They focused on themselves and in doing so the rest of their lives were guiltless and happy. In the process they never forgot how to share bits of wisdom and support.

My Inner Self

I am grateful to have people in my life who share pearls of wisdom. It is important to listen.

I am grateful to have the ability to heal, to fill in the gaps that pain leaves.

I am focused on my boundaries, firm in line, but soft in design.

I will leave my heart open to new beginnings, the negative may blow like leaves in the wind.

I cherish my safety net, not big, but bold in support.

If I am good to me, I am good to you.

26 comments:

Jacqui said...

Thank you for sharing your story and hopefully one day you and your son will be reunited.

The piece is beautiful and it definitedly a journey well taken. I hope through art your heart and soul will be healed.

Brenda said...

I read your story and weeped for you. I also know the pain of losing a son to his wife. Mine happened last year about this time.
I also think back to the little boy he was and how I had raised him to be. What he is now is far from that.

Through it all I have learned that we did our job. It is now their time to learn and figure out life.

When I saw your beaded piece I thought how mystical. You have clearly worked out some of your emotions through this project. I will keep you in my thoughts.

Amy said...

I was the daughter who married someone her family did not like. We lived half way around the world and for many years I barely saw my family. Although I never shut them out, the miles between us kept them at a distance. The marriage lasted 7 years and when the divorce occurred my family was there for me and for that I am forever grateful.

madness said...

wow... what an incredible thing to share with everyone and to speak out loud, "so to speak." it shows how you have grown and hopefully your son will grow the same way sooner rather than later.

freebird said...

I had a mother-in-law who actually gave my husband his old girlfriends phone number after we had been married 8 years! It caused a bit of a crisis but we are still together. I hope someday your son will remember who he really is and if you keep the door cracked he'll open it.

a2susan said...

Sending you (((((((((HUGS)))))))). You are so courageous for sharing your story and for journaling your inner beauty in beads.

Robin said...

Bless you, dear heart, in your new beginnings, in your wisdom, in your gentle understanding, in your peaceful ways, in your pain, and in your healing. I am grateful for your sharing and your honesty. Thank you sooo much... Robin

Dulcey said...

What a thoughtful, heart-felt piece. May your son's journey bring him back into your lives....

coral-seas said...

I love our piece, it has an oriental and a spiritual feel to it. I am very impressed with the way you have allowed the pattern in the fabric to guide, but not control, your design.

I get the feeling that the same is true of your personality, that you will allow yourself to be guided, but ultimately, you are in control of your own life.

I cannot help but feel, if you allow your son to follow his own path, someday it will lead him back to you.

My best wishes to you, CA

Sue in western WA said...

Wow Judy. What a story. And what courage to share it with the rest of us. I wish you all the good things that everyone else is wishing for you too.

Your piece is beautiful. I agree with what Coral Seas said about it (and you) in her comment.

KV said...

When you began this page, I knew in my heart that it represented something extraordinarily special. And that turns out to be you!

Thank you for sharing your story and touching my heart so.


Kathy V in NM

The Lone Beader said...

I really love what you wrote about your inner self. It is beautiful, just like your beadwork:)

Judi D said...

I have tried to respnd many times, but in reading your comments, the kindness and support you have all given starts me crying. Not all tears of saddness, but also for my new beginning.

jacqui, thank you, it is a journey I am looking forward to. What ever it brings.

Brenda, thank you for your thoughts. I am happy to have had the years I did with my son. You know that saying...when a daughter takes a husband you gain a son, when a son takes a wife, you loose him for life. You never think of it happening to you. I hope your pain eases and time heals the loss. My thoughts are with you as well.

Amy, how hard that must have been for you. What a blessing it all worked out for you. Your baby is adorable.

madness, I thrive on growth....even when it comes to my garden. I admired your blog, I also like silence.

freebird, my goodness that was bold, good grief. I will keep the door cracked, but I am sure there is only room for one to enter.

susan, thank you for the hugs. I feel wrapped in hugs today.

robin, thank you. I want to thank you for sharing your dream of this project. I commited at about number 35, my did it grow! Believing that I could do this was the nudge that will carry on me on many journeys. It will have a profound effect on the rest of my life.

dulcey, what a wonderful surprise. I hope so, but I hold no high hopes. I just hope he is happy and filling the gaps with postive things.

coral-seas, thank you so much. It would be nice if his path did lead back, but it will also be okay if it doesn't. As long as he can live with himself and be happy, that is all I wish for.

sue, thank you. I feel blessed with all the kindness.

Kathy, you are so sweet, thank you for such kindness!

Diane, lb looks like pound today and that didn't seem appropiate...Thank you for dropping by to take a look and your kind comment. I can't wait to get my next B&B in the mail.

Judi D said...

Diana, I am sorry I spelled your name incorrectly in the previous post.

Kiwi Ellen said...

I know how hard this has been on you Judi dear & now that you've let go, it will get easier..

Your page is beautiful, I'm so pleased that it was able to help you heal ((hugs))

Vicki said...

Thank you for sharing your story with us. Your tenderness and strength are inspiring. Your piece emanates beauty and grace, just as you do.

vivage said...

(((((((((xo)))))))))

Heart-felt and you shine thru in the piece and the post.

Judi D said...

Thank you Ellen, is gets a little easier every day.

Vicki, thank you.

Vivage, thank you, hugs are always taken.

Sunni said...

Judi,
My heart breaks as I read your journal about your son. Being the mom of 3 sons I have now faced that twice in my life. I will tell you . He will return. One day he will realize how much he misses you. Mine all did. It was along wait. Things are much better now except for that there is one of them I will not go in their house. Its hard but somehow as mothers we survive. My heart goes out to you dear, Major hugs for you.
Also I wanted to say that your piece is just beautiful.
And as for punctuations and such.
I don't think anyone really cares when we are blogging. And if they do that is their issues. For me I just start typing and let it flow.
I am so thankful for spell check.
Hugs,
Sunni

Judi D said...

Sunni, thank you for your hugs and thoughts:) I only have the one son, I can't imagine having 2 doing the same thing, it must have ripped at your heart.

Sacredartist said...

Judy d, what a wonderful piece of art that has unfolded and soothed you worn heart. I have at times had to give my family space. My thinking in doing this is that I am listening. I am not talking to you, but I am listening. I needed to listen in order to get out of the way of trying to fix things. In listening I have gained some hard lessons...but in the end some reality.
I have thought what would I do if my sons or daughter decide that they don't want to talk to me anymore. It is not like I wouldn't be talking to them in my head all the time anyway. I think it would depend why we no longer had a relationship. I guess like you I would have to analyze all the responsibility of each person and see where mine lied. But aside from that I thought (I am idealistic here...because it hasn't happened to me), I thought that I would start writing to them all of my happiest memories with them or of them or things that we shared together. I don't think that would "make" them or things any different, but for me that would be the way I would heal.
I guess to that in recording the good times I would also remember some of the bad times. So I would have to say, sorry.
In thinking about my situation and the people in my life I can't change, I been thinking about a quote in the AA book." There are men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves." I don't know that they are born that way any more than I am, but they have decided to remain that way...and that is their choice. I can't have a relationship that is one sided.
Lately I have been reading and rereading...The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists. It has really helped me understand my relationship...or I should say the lack of the one that I always wanted.
Being honest with myself and sending out blessing (right now in the form of prayers and thoughts) to others regardless of what they do, keeps my hearts pliable and at peace.
I also did a water color painting of the serenity prayer, to help me with boundaries.
I didn't want this to sound preachy, so forgive me if it sounded like I was giving advice. These are just somethings that I have also been thinking about. Thanks for sharing such an incredibly personal wound.

Sacredartist said...

Judi d,
email me at nomadicquilter@yahoo.com
I don't have a scanner set up but if you give me your snail mail I could copy my painting and send it to you, (or anyone else that is interested)
I have been thinking about you a lot!!! Thanks for writing me about being busy.
God bless.
Sacredartist

ACey said...

This is a wonderful piece and there is such an electric, meaningful story behind it.

Maggie R said...

I can definitely relate to your story. I had the same experience with my son.We think we are the only one going through such hard times untill you communicate with others. Once married we rarely saw our son . It is so hearbreaking and in my case especially so.They lived about 5 hours away, never shared Christmas or special holidays and always went to her folks for celebrations. One day after we had not seen them for 7 years we received a phone call saying he had died.You can only imagine the sadness!!! He was only 44 yrs old , tall, handsome and the picture of health, But had a heart attack and was gone.Trying to overcome rheumatoid arthritis but had no outward signs of the disease and being treated with gold and numerous things to keep him going, apparently it can weaken the heart.
Who knew???
Anyway needless to say "She" is not a part of our lives at all, nothing new there really, and thank heavens there were no children.
So ends my story.
All I can say is at least you still have a chance , so I wish you well....God Bless
((((hugs))))
Maggie

Maggie R said...

Thanks for your response on my blog.
Yes , we are not alone....
((((hugs))))Maggie

Joslyn - Wildspirit Tart said...

I'm sorry Judi, that must be very hard. I love your piece. It's beautiful.