These pictures were taken at late sunrise this morning. A little crooked but the best so far. To start with, I am not a writer, I am not good with punctuation and all the finer parts of writing. I have never really expressed my feelings on paper, I don't journal, so this was and is a new experience for me. I wrote 10 pages of draft, I will condense it, but it felt good. I also am looking forward to taking better pictures with a light box I just bought.......here it goes
My Inner Self
This last March I lost all communication with my son. He met the woman to be his wife 4 years ago and fell in love. As I got to know this woman my gut wrenched. I didn't understand the attraction at all. She is a very bold woman with little regard to other peoples feelings. After meeting her parents, the apple does not fall far from the tree in this case. She put me to tears many times with her blunt sarcasm and belittling remarks.
What makes me the saddest at this point is the horrible position my son was put in, to make a choice. What makes the most sense out of this situation is that no has to pretend anymore.
Mike and I don't have to feel disrespect from her, we don't have to feel Cary's (my son) struggle and the dark cloud is gone.
I am disappointed that my son lost the courage to be honest with me. When I asked him what was wrong his reply....it is the little things. Oh, my....what I taught him all his life was gone, some where else from that moment on. I always let him be aware that treating people like you want to be treated was a good way to live your life. He told me one time that it didn't always work that way, I told him to do it anyway. That is what I did with his wife, to be the bigger person, to cry alone, to hold back anger and hurtful words.
I went to the store one day to buy buttons, I ended up with the fabric for July. For some reason I wanted a piece of brocade, not for a shirt on this body, but just to have. When I got to playing with it and beads, it started letting me know that it needed to be special. I made the face and put it in place, but it was out of balance. I felt the face reflected wisdom. Then I found the stone of rhodochrosite on my shelf. I am not a pink person in clothing and there it was, the perfect match. When I researched the stone, I hit the wall so to speak. My heart needed to be soothed and I needed to start healing. I am good at covering up for the most part, there are very few people who know my tears and how bad my heart is hurting. And here I am sharing with the world so to speak.
As I began putting the beads on I started to reflect on what exactly I was trying to heal. I had to take note of the responsibilities of all parties involved. What the behavior of jealousy, control and greed can make a person do. With each hour of working I had to decide if I made the right choice, would I have done anything different......the answer is no.
I also pondered my support and my inspiration for my life and the choices I make. Two very special woman came to mind. I was privileged to meet them when I first moved here.
The first I want to share with you is Jewel Butler. I knew her for 4 years before she passed away. She was 70 when I first met her. I would go to her house, have lunch, do perms in the kitchen sink and then chat. She would ask me questions about life, at that time I had no clue how to answer, now I am understanding all that she shared. She believed she lived life in 3 segments, about 25 years a piece. Each being different then the other. She most enjoyed the last segment, she became the free spirit she always dreamed of. Good business woman, nice friends and a lovely house she owned by herself.
The second woman I want to share is Mary Ann Bassinger, whom I had a 20 friendship with. I met her when she just turned 60. She was my neighbor and the first person I met when I moved to this valley. When she divorced a very prominent doctor and left town with another man to Alaska, she had made taboo with some of her children. I had just come from Alaska. I spent all those years watching 3 of her 5 children treat her with the utmost disrespect because she made that choice. What I admired the most was her ability to shun the blame and guilt they tried to burden her with. I am lucky to have been the one to find her at peace, finally. Otherwise she could have been laying in disgrace for days.
My story and theirs is repetitive in generations. What they shared with me was to learn to set your own boundaries without feeling or displaying the need for control. They focused on themselves and in doing so the rest of their lives were guiltless and happy. In the process they never forgot how to share bits of wisdom and support.
My Inner Self
I am grateful to have people in my life who share pearls of wisdom. It is important to listen.
I am grateful to have the ability to heal, to fill in the gaps that pain leaves.
I am focused on my boundaries, firm in line, but soft in design.
I will leave my heart open to new beginnings, the negative may blow like leaves in the wind.
I cherish my safety net, not big, but bold in support.
If I am good to me, I am good to you.